Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Chapter 0 for every story I've ever written

Author’s note: If you’ve stumbled upon this post organically, you can pretty much keep right on moving. There’s nothing erotic, interesting, or even really clever about it; it’s really just here so I can be a smartass to people. If I’ve referred you here, though, please read it carefully. This is the chapter 0 to whatever story you’re complaining about, and hopefully the events described here will cast the things you have a problem with in a different light.

The meeting room was crowded. Every single character in every single story that I had ever written was there, including the anonymous bystanders that I sometimes write in. Even characters who were from stories that were clearly set in alternate universes or different time periods were there, which didn’t seem like it should be possible but it was. Because one of them was actually a wizard. I forget which one, because it wasn’t really relevant to his story, but yeah – one of those dudes was totally a wizard.

So we’re all clear? announced the wizard. The safe word will be here’s a series of words that I’ll never write in a story ever no matter what because none of my characters will ever actually use the safe word - if you say it, all sexual things going on will immediately stop and will not continue until you indicate that you want them to. Also I’m casting a magical spell on all of you that will make it so you absolutely remember the safe word forever no matter what, cause I’m a wizard and I can do that shit.

So I can act like I’m being raped, a young girl asked, even if I’m really not?

Precisely, the wizard answered. You can even have an inner monologue in which you explicitly state that you’re being raped and overtly claim that you absolutely do not consent to what is going on, as long as you don’t say here’s a series of words that I’ll never write in a story ever no matter what because none of my characters will ever actually use the safe word. This will allow all of us to pretend that we’re raping and being raped when in actuality we’ve already thoroughly discussed the completely consensual role playing that we’re going to do.

But that doesn’t make any sense, the girl shot back. Why would we go to such trouble when we’re clearly fictional characters who can’t be harmed in any way? I mean, wouldn’t someone have to be kind of a raging idiot to start crying that we’re being abused?

Perhaps, my child, the wizard chuckled, stroking his clichéd long gray wizard beard that he probably cut off before his story unless you pictured one of the characters as having a bigass wizard beard in which case that was totally him. But some people are that stupid. Rather than volunteering their time to help actual victims of abuse, they spend their days whining on the Internet that someone is making up stories that are clearly tagged as fiction in which people who don’t exist are abused – even occasionally sending hilariously impotent death threats to the author. Not that they should stop with the threats, though, as my wizard powers tell me that they crack him the fuck up.

But we’re not being abused, the girl replied. We all totally consent to this, even though we’ll pretend that we don’t so as not to break the fantasy. And again – we don’t exist. Seriously, I’m just a series of words typed by some dude who is typing the same words that make up my rapist - only a tool would think that someone is actually being victimized.

Exactly, the wizard confirmed. Also, some of you are going to pretend to be related by blood. Obviously you aren’t related in any way, but just like you won’t ruin the fantasy by admitting that you’re just role-playing the rape, you won’t ruin the fantasy by admitting that you’re secretly complete strangers who absolutely aren’t blood relatives. So, you know, just be aware and shit.

Having come to an agreement, the room erupted into applause as the evil specter of fictional characters who seriously don’t even exist being abused was forever banished. After discussing the exact details of the rape fantasies that they planned to enact with each other and verifying that everything was inside each other’s comfort zones (it was), they went back to their own stories. Also, one guy dressed up like a dog, but like really convincingly so everyone totally thought he was a real dog for that one story I wrote. But he was actually a human, not a dog. On the off chance that I do write that fetish again, some other people probably joined him and dressed up as very convincing members of other species. Possibly more dogs, but also maybe a horse or a tiger or something. Either way, they all did a really good job and even though they were totally humans that consented, they looked like whatever animal they dressed up as in every way – even anatomically cause of the wizard and stuff.

And they all lived happily ever after because they weren’t really being raped, they were just pretending.


  1. This is the best story on the blog.
    I'm not being sarcastic.
    Is there a copyright on this?

  2. KinkyLittleFatGirlJuly 6, 2013 at 10:37 PM

    If I weren't already madly in lust with you over your stories, I would be after reading this brilliant bit of snark.
    Keep up the deliciously filthy work!

  3. lmfao amazing keep it up!

  4. I enjoy everything you write. Even the snarky reddit comments insulting others.

  5. You've been terribly quiet the past few months! I miss your wonderful tales of depravity and was wondering if you will be providing us with any further joys in the near future?